Sci-Fi Thriller Looks Like A Flop

Jupiter Ascending takes us into an alternate world in which Earth is just one planet in a whole universe — where there is an intergalactic battle raging for the rights to harvest humans for their blood (aka alien youth serum). Meanwhile, Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is a down-on-her-luck Earthling who has no idea any of this is happening, but has been marked as a space princess/ heir to Earth. With the war underway, it’s up to Jupiter and Caine (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered warrior sent to protect her, to save the planet. The plot seems a little convoluted, but what looks to be stunning visuals and impressive special effects could make up for that. Jupiter Ascending opens in wide release Feb. 6. >>

JAIMIE: I want to see it, but what is up with Channing Tatum’s eyeliner?

NICOLE: He is not from Earth.

CHRISTINA: And he has really bad hair dye.

JAIMIE: It is already really hard to take him seriously in every other film, and then they put eyeliner on him. And his ears look like elf ears. They should have just made him look normal. It’s already hard to look at him.

JAMES: I saw that, and then the next line was like, “From the creators of The Matrix trilogy,” it made sense.

PAIGE: Poor Sean Bean. We all know he is going to die. He even disappears halfway through the trailer. Sean Bean just wants to live until the end of the movie, of any movie.

NICOLE: Maybe one day.

CHRISTINA: Who is Sean Bean? Was that the older guy?

PAIGE: Yeah. Boromir or Ned Stark. Or every other guy who has died about halfway through the movie. You should watch the Sean Bean death montage. It just makes you kind of sad. It’s a montage of, like, 21 films he’s died in.

NICOLE: I like Mila Kunis, but I don’t think she is very good in action films like this.

JAMES: Or in movies …

NICOLE: No, I liked her in Ted.

JAIMIE: I thought she was good in Black Swan.

PAIGE: She spends a lot of this trailer falling. It’s just going to be her falling on things.

NICOLE: Which is funny because it’s called Jupiter Ascending.

JAIMIE: It’s weird because in Family Guy, her voice is super annoying. But her voice in Family Guy is exactly how her voice sounds in real life.

PAIGE: I have a hard time reconciling Mila Kunis’ bombshell, hot-person status with Meg (in Family Guy). Because that’s how I know her. She’s Meg.

CHRISTINA: The plot didn’t seem super clear.

JAIMIE: It looks like a lot of movies in one.

PAIGE: There is too much going on. It is going to be one of those action flops.