Nothing New To See Here



We don’t feel it necessary to recount the plot of Beauty and the Beast here because it’s basically the same as the Disney animated classic. Yes, we realize that is the point, but it seriously looks exactly the same, save for the fact that the animated versions have been subbed for live actors and CG-infused characters. We’re not sure if that makes this worth seeing. Beauty and the Beast opens in wide release March 17.

CHRISTINA: I wanted to be excited for this because I did really enjoy Beauty and the Beast as a kid. But I feel like this trailer makes it seem kind of boring — it looks like a scene-for-scene replica of the cartoon version. If they are going to do that, what is even the point of doing a remake? I would hope that they put its own spin to it. The only difference can’t simply be that it’s live action.

PAIGE: Confession: I never really liked Beauty and the Beast. I can’t get over the whole Stockholm syndrome situation, the way Beast bribes Belle into falling in love with him with books, how Belle looks past appearances to find bestial love, only to be vindicated because, of course, Beast is secretly hot underneath all his fur. There’s some mixed messages there. I’m not going to forget all that just because Disney hired Officially Woke Emma Watson to be its Liberated Female Heroine Who Doesn’t Wear A Corset Because Of Unrealistic Beauty Standards. If we wanted to really turn the story on its head, Beast ought to stay a beast at the end.

JAIMIE: Beauty and the Beast terrified me as a child. I thought the Beast was really scary, OK? Gosh. At some point, I realized that animated movies are not in fact real, and slowly started to appreciate the movie more. Still, I think the only things I really enjoyed were the talking dishes and home furnishings, and that library in the Beast’s castle. I just couldn’t get over the Beast, really, and how Belle falls in love with this large, hairy and very rude half-man half-animal.

PAIGE: I would be pleased to listen to Ewan McGregor’s French accent all day. But the anthropomorphic dishes are freaking terrifying in this version. Not cute. Just nightmarish.

CHRISTINA: Yeah, the dishes here are pretty terrifying. That Be Our Guest scene will probably be disturbing now instead of delightful.

PAIGE: There’s also been a lot of hubbub about LeFou being gay in this version, which is like, fine. The real problem is how the movie decided to cast Luke Evans as Gaston? Like, I like him a lot, but he’s basically like Budget Orlando Bloom (exhibit A:The Hobbit) and not boorish enough to be Gaston, a man who eats five dozen eggs every morning to get large. I think Gaston has to be played by a big, meaty buffoon. Kellan Lutz, for example, would have been perfect.

CHRISTINA: I don’t know why everyone is making a big deal about LeFou being gay. If I remember correctly, he basically spent the whole movie following Gaston around. Is it really such a jump to imply that he’s interested in him? I do think Emma Watson is a perfect Belle, though. I can’t think of anyone else who would fit the role so well.

JAIMIE: Beauty and the Beast is such a screwed up story. Maybe it’s a story about someone looking past appearances to see a person’s true self. Or, or maybe it’s a story about a girl who knows that there is more to this provincial life, who falls in love with a literal beast anyway that doesn’t even know how to be nice on some basic level, but like, it’s cool because it all works out in the end anyway since he’s not ugles. Uh huh, sure. That doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself to enjoy the movie. I just think I prefer the animated version instead.