To the dead: Good day, ghouls. The night to walk among the warm-blooded is almost upon us. Remember: You only have 24 hours to enjoy this sweet earth, and the rest of the year is for the living. Also, please don’t blow your cover. Cake on some makeup and throw on some garb; nobody wants to see what you really are. You can come back as a young version of your former self and ring the doorbell of your loved ones.

“Trick or treat,” you’ll say and, like the kind-hearted kin you remember, they will generously administer sugars to rot your teeth and make you fat. It’s best to be young at a time like this.

To the children: Halloween is your day. I hope you’ve been training because your candy bag is going to get very heavy. If you do this right, you can have enough candy to last until Valentine’s Day and beyond.

To put the trick in your treats, conjure up a story to enhance your candy collection. Bring two bags. Your younger sister got sick with the flu, so she’s at home and you’re trick or treating for two. She was going to dress up as a puppy.

Be sure to thank your parents for your costume, because Mom either spent a lot of time sewing or top dollar on face paint. Also, give Mom the Raisinets. They’re her favorite.

To the parents: Let your devils run wild. Statistics do not show an increased occurrence of kidnappings on Halloween. This, combined with the fact that children are roaming the streets in droves, means that your kids are just as likely to get snatched at the grocery store on a Wednesday as this sacred holiday.

Besides, have you seen what the sugar does to your little gremlins? You’re going to have to handle this on your own; nobody wants to deal with that.

The only recorded incidences of candy poisoning on Halloween were committed by the parents themselves, and don’t get any ideas because they were caught and now they’re in the clinker.

To the rest of us: One of the best parts about Halloween is the anonymity of it all. You get to become somebody you’re not for an evening. This gives you great power, but also great responsibility. I’m always grateful that people are so well-behaved because it would be pretty difficult to pick somebody out of the lineup if they were wearing a rubber chicken mask at the time of their infraction. It’s a great time to meet new people — perhaps that girl or guy who is always at the far end of the bar, across the street or who you glimpse in the elevator as the doors close just before you can get in.

Happy Halloween, creeps!