Flavorless Fairytale

‘CINDERELLA’ TRAILER REVIEW BY METRO CREW

Everyone knows this story: After a young girl loses her father, her evil stepmother puts her to work as a servant girl, but things begin to look up when she wins the heart of a prince. Disney released a teaser trailer for this live-action retelling of the classic fairytale months ago, with just a close-up of that iconic glass slipper. Now that we have seen the actual trailer, it’s clear why they needed such gimmicks: This looks boring. There are already enough takes on Cinderella, and it doesn’t look like this one adds anything new. It also appears that this film is aiming to be oddly inspirational for a version of the tale that looks like Cinderella just waits around for a prince to rescue her.

Cinderella opens in wide release March 13. >>

JAMES: The soundtracks to movie trailers tell you what to feel, or what to expect to feel. And in this trailer, you can feel it’s about being liberated after a great struggle and a lot of cruelty— which is just basically having to scrub floors and having a dirty face. You can play this soundtrack over a dialogue about a guy trying to order the new Cap’n Crunch donut holes from Taco Bell having his order mixed up, and it would be just as stirring.

NICOLE: “Have courage and be kind.” What inspiring words for a child’s film. I bet most of the kids watching won’t even care about that line. But hopefully some adults do and take it to heart.

JAIMIE: All that inspirational talk was giving me cavities.

PAIGE: I feel like they gave away the whole movie in this trailer. I mean, yes, we all know the story of Cinderella, but now I also know that Disney basically plans to make zero substantial changes to the story. This is just a straight-up, vanilla, non-gritty fairy tale adaptation. Which is nice … but boring.

NICOLE: I love the story of Cinderella because she has mice friends. Who didn’t love Gus Gus and Jaques from the animated version?

CHRISTINA: Why do we even need a live-action Cinderella, anyway, when Ever After has already been made? I never liked Cinderella as a kid, but I think I have seen Ever After about 500 times.

JAIMIE: YES. And at least in Ever After, Cinderella wasn’t a complete dolt. I mean, she befriends da Vinci.

CHRISTINA: Yeah, and she saves the prince from the bad guys at one point.

JAMES: These stories were timeless for a reason. It’s because they were illustrated, representing broad ideas, instead of specific people in specific situations. And what’s the lesson here anyway?

NICOLE: The lesson is that you should always stick with the original Disney cartoon films.

JAIMIE: To me, Disney princess movies always feel contradictory about the statements or the lessons they try to teach about character. And Cinderella always felt like a superficial story — she has a crappy life, then she meets a prince, she defeats her evil stepmother and stepsisters and marries the prince, and then life is magical.

CHRISTINA: I agree about Cinderella being a very superficial story — she basically doesn’t do anything to save herself from her own circumstances. It’s all about meeting the prince and then, bam!, everything is perfect.

JAIMIE: Though I suspect Cate Blanchett will make an excellent stepmother.

PAIGE: If Cate Blanchett were my evil stepmother, and she ripped my sleeve, I’d probably thank her for the honor.

JAMES: I think the movie would be great if this were more about Cate Blanchett, as Galadriel, the elf queen from The Lord of the Rings. I see this as a sort of prequel to the entire Middle-earth saga, the type of person she was before things went south with the Ring of Power and what not.

JAIMIE: There’s a part of me that will always love Cinderella — it was the first Disney princess movie I ever watched. But there was also something much more whimsical about the cartoon version. Like, do the animals even actually speak in this one? Because if not, and there is no actual Gus Gus, then I’ll pass. Also, Lucifer just looks like a fluffy temperamental cat, not the conniving and sneaky jerk he was in the cartoon.

NICOLE: I probably won’t see this film. I’d rather watch the Disney animated version with fat Gus and skinny Jaques and jerkwad Lucifer, who’s really a multi-dimensional character that’s hilarious and cunning despite not saying any words at all.