Reel-View Ratings: The Bigger The Beard, The Better The Movie

Metro-042916-Ratings-HuntsmannotamusedTHE HUNTSMAN: WINTER’S WAR

That this Snow White prequel-sequel (seriously, that’s what it is) even got made is something of a miracle, though its messy, fairy-tale vomit patchwork of a plot implies that perhaps it would’ve been better off untold. Somehow the Evil Queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) is back from the dead to contend with her definitely-not-Elsa-from-Frozen Ice Queen sister Freya (Emily Blunt), and the hapless Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is called back into action to stop her, along with his not-so-lost love Sara (Jessica Chastain). A lot of flashbacks ensue. The world’s most achingly beautiful queenly costumes are truly the best part of this royal mess, which is a spectacle strictly for eyes — not brains! — only. Opened April 22 in wide release

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PALI ROAD

Young doctor Lily (Michelle Chen) quarrels with her boyfriend Neil (Jackson Rathbone) after he proposes, but she wakes up after a car accident in a world where Neil never existed. Is this reality, or is she just crazy? It’s a promising concept that fails in execution, as a muddled, limp script fails to really give the characters much in the way of personality or explain what is going on to any degree of satisfaction. Hawaii steps in as scenic backdrop to the events of the film, but Pali Road never takes advantage of the mythology of its titular inspiration, so what’s the point? Those shots of glittering waves rolling off white sand can only take a film so far. Opens April 29 at Kahala Theatre

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GREEN ROOM

A punk band finds itself in the ultimate wrong-place-wrong-time scenario when they stumble upon a murder in a nightclub … populated by neo-Nazi skinheads. Needless to say, the rockers aren’t going to be allowed to just walk away. Cue bloodbath, and oh, what a glorious, ruthless, terrifying bloodbath it is. Now, the movie does lack a little in terms of deeper character motivations or themes. But it delivers in its single-minded focus on cruelly realistic, impeccably designed violence, a knack for rising tension and its gift of Patrick Stewart, regal and cruel — a marvelous subversion of his most iconic roles — as the fanatical club owner. Opens April 29 in wide release